May 5th, 2025
As someone with ADHD, I really struggle with maintaining relationships. Not because I don't want them, but because I struggle to keep in touch for various reasons. Those familiar with ADHD may have heard of Executive Dysfunction.
"Executive dysfunction is a term used to describe faults or weaknesses in the cognitive process that organizes thoughts and activities, prioritizes tasks, manages time efficiently, and makes decisions."
by Janice Rodden, ADDItude, Executive Dysfunction? Sign and Symptoms of EFD
My executive dysfunction manifests in a few ways: I forget to reply to friends; prioritise what I'm currently focussed on, rather than my relationships; miss birthdays and other important life events.
I have a host of mechanisms and techniques I've developed over the years to keep on top of everything, but I still struggle with one key issue: I don't always reply to friends. The solution seems simple! "Just reply to your friends" you scream, but it's not just a case of forgetting and remembering. Left long enough, my internal reminders to reply turn from reminders into anxiety, and on into a quasi-neurotic dread. "They hate me because I haven't replied in 2 weeks now!", I'll think. "They must think I'm ignorant, or that I hate them" I'll convince myself. The anxiety and dread build up, compounding, making it increasingly difficult to send what seems a very simple message: "Sorry I've been busy! Hope you're good :)"
Recently I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking around developing mechanisms to help with all this, and I stumbled on another term that may be familiar to those familiar with ADHD, too: Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (or RSD)
"Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short—failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations."
by William Dodson, M.D., LF-APA, ADDItude, How ADHD Ignites RSD: Meaning & Medication Solutions
What I think is happening is this:
A friend messages me -> I forget to reply -> time goes by, the anxiety builds, I anticipate an uncomfortable exchange (I explain myself, they're annoyed, etc.) -> the anxiety tips into quasi-neurotic dread, i.e. "God they hate me", and I subconsciously fear they'll reject me if I reach out, and I ultimately don't, out of the fear of rejection.
This train of thought usually continues indefinitely, and with time it becomes increasingly unlikely one of us will reach out.
A technological solution!?
Because I'm a developer, and with that comes an unshakeable belief that all of life's woes can be remedied with enough technology, I wondered whether I can automate away some of the forgetfulness. My idea is simple:
- Create a list of everyone I want to keep in regular contact with
- Set up a notification to spam the hell out of me if I haven't been in contact with them for x days
- Once I yield to the notification spam, I mark the contact as 'Contacted' to stop the notifications
(It dawned on me that similar tools are used for sales professionals to manage their leads - CRMs; this made me feel a little sick, but never mind!)
I've set something up using Airtable, and will report back (If I can remember) on how it goes!
Tags: adhd